Monday, January 24, 2011

Wasting Time, Wasting My Life

Why is it so easy to form bad habits and so difficult to form good ones, ones that add to our lives rather than take away from them. I am 24 days into the new decade and I haven't yet managed to develope a single good habit that will move me closer to achieving a goal. I am still wasting too much of my time doing things that add nothing to my life. Today I spent at least 5 hours screwing around on YouTube when I should have been looking for additional work, exercising, or doing something to improve my skills. Even writing on this blog would have been better because at least I would be thinking rather than just looking at a bunch of inane videos. I did exercise today, and I did finish another book even if it was a pure work of fiction; it's something. What I need to work at things that are going to improve my life even if they are impractical, but watching things others have done is a waste of my precious time. Wasting time is an addiction. I am addicted to wasting time as if I don't care about my life. I need to snap out of this and do something, anything to challenge my brain and accomplish something.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The New Decade and Turning 50

With the start of a new year, and a new decade, I naturally turn towards establishing some goals for the new year and even for the new decade. Since this is already January 19th, I have already set a number of goals for the year and have already fallen behind on many of them. It's not easy to change from one day to the next, to point my mind and body towards the attainment of a series of goals such as exercising regularly, losing weight, reading books, writing, saving, etc.

I turn 49 this year which means in 2012 I will turn 50. I never thought much about turning 30 or 40, but turning 50 strikes me as significant. By the time I reach 50, I would like to reach a few goals that have been sitting on my shelf untouched for a long time. I would like to finally read The Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann. (I bought a 1939 edition in the early 80's and have yet to read it). I want to write a complete personnel essay of 20 pages that I post here. I want to run another marathon which means my training needs to start this year so I can run one during the summer of 2012. I want to have a real job, with real benefits, that will allow me to work my last 8 to 10 years with some stability. I have been working around Microsoft for the past 10 years and there simply isn't any stability for someone like me at a company like Microsoft. Since I work on a contract basis as a consultant, there is one attribute I have to have, or be able to fake for a sustained period of time: caring. There was a time when I cared and that was followed by the ability to fake caring, but now my lack of caring is written in bold letters across my blank face. I have seen behind the curtain too many times and have even been the person behind the curtain. I don't know if it's age or simply the result of being spoiled. I am spoiled. I have had it too easy for too long and now the fire in me is fading. I simply can't get excited about anything unless it's something that is 100% mine. Maybe that is a sign that I need to put together my own business, develop my own way to generate income. But how? But what? What could I sell to generate $100,000 a year?

Writing? I have, as many people do, considered writing, but that is pure fantasy because after 48 years of living, at least 30 of them on my own, with plenty of time to sit down and tell a story, I have only written a dozen weak pieces, and all of those were done when I was in college taking a creative writing course. I haven't done anything since other than write in journals and write a few aimless things on this blog that only I read. Too many people have the fantasy of writing and too many of those people only produce a pile of poor writing that isn't worth reading. There is the desire to write and then there is the ability to write. They don't often reside in the same person. Too many people want to write, and with all their dedication and effort only produce mediocre prose at best and at their worst embarrassing, unreadable inanities. I am sure I fall in the latter group. I have been filling journals with my empty thoughts for years and for every 25 pages of journal writing there might be one page worth rereading. The majority of it is boring, repetitive, whining that usually discusses my inability to make progress on any goal or attempts to delve into this sad feeling that I am wasting my life. I am approaching 50 and feel I haven't done a damn thing with this precious life I am living. Too many days wasted. Too many nights sitting drinking in the pursuit of some adventure that never comes. Drink has been part of my downfall in that it's has been a massive hole in which I throw time and money. I want to accomplish something that moves ME. I don't care about anyone else, I just want to impress myself, I want to inspire myself, accomplish something of which I can feel proud.

I need to get started on this new year, on this new decade that I want to make my finest. What is the first step? What would make me proud? What would excite me the most? Damn! I guess I need to write something!