Thursday, June 02, 2011

Change Comes to My World

After doing little for too long my payment to society is overdue. I accepted a "consulting" position with a large software company in Redmond, Washington that was described as marketing project management, but after three months of frantically running around scheduling meetings, attending meetings, taking notes, adjusting invite lists, providing various updates, and generally running in place constantly, I have decided, with some strong encouragement from my mangers, not to continue the contract. It was a sad admission that I was unable to do the work at the level they required. While this is a cause for some embarrassment as I like to think of myself as someone that can do anything if I only focus my mind, I am also relieved to be done with the work. Half of me wishes I could have done the job, but the other, greater half, is glad I am not the type of person that could superficially engage with so many things while feeling I never really did anything.

I am probably too old to still have this fantasy that I will find well compensated work that will be challenging, fulfilling, well compensated, and, and this is the killer: enjoyable. That is the fantasy. Enjoyable work? Is it even possible. Work, is like the party that is fun until someone tells you that you can't leave. Something can be fun until you realize you have to do it.

Now what? I will be out of work shortly which would not be horrible if I was single with no responsibilities, but I have a wife, mortgage, and a 19 year old in college. I am 48, and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. My days are mingled with thoughts of literary, intellectual success, but I have never done anything to justify those fantasies. Yes, I read and try to cultivate my mind, but with little success. I am lazy and more interested in frenetic wandering from thing to thing as if my mind is a string of hyperlinks. Hyperlinks are perfect for me because I have never been able to focus on one thing for any length of time. What is wrong with me? Somehow I have managed to construct a good life, but somehow, given my work ethic and dependency upon luck, it's completely undeserved. Have I, through my work, earned everything I have managed to accumulate? No, it's undeserved and based more upon luck than my actual contribution to any organization. My work history is one of working for a few months, doing well, and then destroying everything. I think I would be better off taking on a series of 3 to 4 month jobs that don't require much attention, but pay well. That's not going to happen. I am at a crucial point in my life given my age and income needs. At this point, I am feeling a little lost wondering what I can do to recover.

Is this an opportunity for something better to happen? I better start buying lotto tickets again.
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

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