Time

It is of course the most normal thing to start thinking about the past when you are facing the middle hump of life. When I look back at the previous 48 years I don't see another 48 years stretching into the future; I see 20 years of, if I am lucky. Good years followed by some shitty years when the highlight of each day will be a decent bowel movement and decent night of sleep. My best years, my unconsious years are behind me, and the years of being overly conscious about time, people, health, and money are rising up before. When I was young I seemed to not worry if my bank account dropped below $30 bucks with a week until payday. With $30 in the bank, I would take out $20 to go have a few drinks. Now, with thousands of times that in the bank, I feel fear. If there is one thing you can accomplish when growing old, it's to reject fear, to live.