Friday, January 02, 2015

Find my Ship

I am suffering from that most tedious of maladies, lebensmüde. We somehow come into this world and wend our way through life only to come to a point where it all seems absurd. I have felt this way before and it has passed and I have slipped back into the oblivion of eating, sleeping, working, and engaging with friends and family, but in the back of my mind, it's there, this feeling of the pointlessness of it all. The sheer lack of any purpose to any of this not just for me individually but for any of us. I get that this feeling is childish and should have been overcome in my 20s but somehow it persists. It brings to mind the quote from Melville:

Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off - then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship.

I need to find a metaphorical "ship" I can jump on to end these blues. Find some satisfaction in this life that doesn't involve consuming anything from pills to new shoes. Time to find something to keep me going: maybe take up the trumpet, learn Portuguese, or start painting again.


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