Plan B

Another year on Earth has slipped by and I am feeling the weight of all of this meaninglessness more than ever. Perhaps it is because I have everything I need: wife, daughter, love, health, money, work, etc. It’s all there; the ingredients for a happy, fulfilling life, but I feel empty, as if I am wasting my time and death looms out there in the future. What does it all mean? Do I need a crisis to give life some meaning? No, working through a crisis is too stressful. What I need to do is work on something meaningful to me, something that will allow me to express this craving I have. The problem is that I am not intelligent enough, or creative enough, to do anything meaningful. My brain is too slow, too weak to really do much of anything. Somehow it’s been strong enough for me to work for and around Microsoft for nearly 8 years. My brain is weak, but my luck is good. I have been lucky my entire life. I have counted on my luck to get into situations that require little of me, that allow me to float rather than swim. But I am tired of floating, and I don’t feel like swimming. I want out of the pool, and back onto the chaise lounge where I can order a beer and get back into my book. Simply put, I am sick of doing what I don’t want so I can accumulate more things that require me to do more things I don’t want. I am tired of work and want to do nothing, but what I want for the rest of my life. But then, that is not really an option. I have to work. I have a daughter going into college that is going to require money, money and more money. I have a mortgage that has to be paid each and every month. I have to keep up appearances even though I don’t care about how I appear. How to get out of this? We have built up a world of things so that it’s now impossible to enjoy them.

I need a plan B.